I have been having this struggle for a while. Several people I have talked to share the same struggle. Some of you reading this post will also identify with me. I don’t know if it can be explained but I will try….
I am a little crazy when it comes to friendship and love. My ideal friendship is where we give ourselves fully to each other, we are loyal to each other, we are thoughtful towards each other, we defend each other, pray for each other and go the extra mile for each other. Notice the…’each other’, it is a two way. Otherwise a one way is more of charity and not friendship.
Last year and for a chunk of my life, I chose several people and threw my whole heart into loving them and being true to them. I would be there for them and make them feel special. For example for their birthdays I would bake custom made cakes for them, take them out for a good meal and make or buy gifts for them. It was not just random gifts but well thought out gifts that i spent time to think about and choose. I am not rich, I just thought they should know that they are appreciated much and that they are special! Girlfriends and male friends alike…. I think everyone needs to be reminded that they are important! 🙂 I was ready to empty my bank account for them, pick up their calls at 2am and basically drop everything to meet them if they needed me to do that. There came times though when I was in need and very few could return the favor. They would give excuses and this drove me up the wall!!!! I got help from the least expected places. I mean the least!! You can imagine the feeling of wasted efforts on the wrong people…
I have taken time this year to reflect on who I can really count on, in Swahili we say ‘kufa kupona’ (for better or for worse), and I have found that the number is small. The few are not from the circles i expected but I welcome the pleasant surprise. I am also learning to not do things for people expecting anything in return and this is probably what some of you are thinking while you read this 🙂 I agree with this especially because God has loved me so much not because I can give anything in return! He just loves and loves and loves! He is love!! 🙂
Think this through with me though, what happened to virtues like loyalty and faithfulness in our relationships? What happened to having passionate friendships? What happened to the David and Jonathan kind of friendships? Sometimes i feel like believing in the existence of such commitment is like living in a fairy tale or believing in Santa Claus but I can’t help it! That is just who I am and I will hold fast to the few ‘kufa kuponas’ I have. I am grateful for them!! 🙂
Due to my experience above, I have stepped back from several people. It is easier for me to give my salary to a total stranger who is in need than a person in my life who is mean’t to be a ‘kufa kupona’ but they have proven to be otherwise. It has become easier to bake a cake and give it to the mboga guy who salivates every time i say hello to him as I pass by his shop ferrying a cake to a client… than for an ‘average’ friend. I expect nothing in return, he owes me nothing so I can love him without holding back…
Is my heart wretched? Maybe but that is the truth about where I am at.
I would like to hear your thoughts on this. Inbox me or comment down here..