Key-like-eyes

There was a new sound coming from her knees this morning. It was a cackle sound that felt like her knees were laughing at her. At 70 years of age, more and more parts of her were fragile and noisy. She would laugh with her knees sometimes but other times there was pain accompanying the noise. During these times, it dawned on her that she had been on this earth for 70 years. 1,2,3,…….,70! So unbelievable!

Today she was awake at 6am. It was 6th October. The day her husband died, now 5 years ago. The pain she felt had somewhat reduced but she still missed him miserably. Miriam (her name) had seen many things in her long life but death was still a mystery to her. She could not wrap her head around it. She felt defeated by it. Her husband Munga had become part of her. They met when she was 30. She had given up on love when one day 40 years ago, he said hello to her at the waiting room in Nairobi hospital. He had a recurring headache and she was due for her yearly full body check up. Munga was not the most handsome man in the world but his eyes were like keys. They opened up his soul to her and she could see through him. She had not felt such sincerity from anyone before. It is this truth and soul that she fell in love with in the next year as they got to know each other more. He was true. It was like he had nothing in the world to hide.

All these memories came flooding into her soul this particular morning and she allowed them in. It felt nice to remember him and he felt alive to her once again. She laughed as she remembered what annoyed her most about him. He always forgot important dates. Birthdays and anniversaries were just like any other day to him. The kids helped him out when they were old enough but it was still a struggle. All this looked so petty now compared to having him around. She found herself talking to him, “Love, I could give up all those dates to have you here next to me again! I am sorry I shouted! You mean much more to me than a million gifts or anniversaries!”

Their children and especially their son Josh had Munga’s eyes, the ‘key to the soul’ ones. He was most affected by his father’s death and Miriam had picked herself up for her son’s sake. He was sinking with depression even 2 years after the death. Tears rolled down her cheeks now as she remembered how he sobbed on her lap one day. In her head she tried to give death a face but she concluded that anything with a face was human. Death was no human, it had no heart and was too strong to be human.

Munga’s persistent headaches never stopped. The doctor’s could not find the cause of these headaches so he resulted to taking painkillers every morning. He took them every single day for the 35 years she knew him. He led a normal life and was the most passionate man she ever knew. She put a finger on her lips as she remembered his gentle kisses. They were supposed to live forever and see their 4th generation. Munga once said amid laughter that he would at least remember her 80th Birthday….

She wiped the tears off her eyes and laughed out loud at the last thought. They would probably be together by her 80th birthday. She would then have conquered death in her own little way… πŸ™‚

MEMORIES

Plug In

Yesterday I met up with a friend that I had not seen in years. I was amazed at how hard life had been for him in those years. I wish I had been there to at least encourage him and pray with him 😦 He is doing much better now because in the end it does get better. God is good! \o/

I know that hard times can really mess with our faith and our view of God. I was very close to someone who was going through years and years of tough times. I was there during all the seasons and I saw how the pain tore at him. I saw how much he cried. I saw how difficult it was to keep trusting this God who seemed to have forgotten about him. This God seemed deaf and blind because it seemed like the more we prayed, the worse things got. Watching my friend tore at me too. I carried this bitterness around. It took a long time after that to heal and let the truth that God is good saturate every part of me! I still have trouble understanding why He allows some things to happen but we journey on!

I digress… πŸ™‚ I remember asking my friend yesterday how his relationship with God was doing. He told me that he was struggling to make it work but things were not good. I know how life gets crazy. Our conversation got me thinking how it was easier to maintain a relationship with God in high school because the school schedule was well planned out for us. Out here it’s a jungle for most of us. There is traffic to beat early in the morning, crazy assignments at work the whole day, evening commitments like evening classes, meetings, kids to take care of and many other things that need to be done…. By night time we are all usually just yearning to sleep. Little time is left to spend time with God. Quiet time as it is commonly called is nearly an impossibility. This is made worse by the people that surround us at work or school. Godliness has become very rare. If we do not as Christians or aspiring Christians CONSCIOUSLY look for godly friends, we will soon realize we have zero godly people around us.

Premium-WordPress-Plugins

I am in a green spiritual season right now because of a weekly Bible Study that my friends and I began a few weeks ago. We encourage each other to keep walking, I feel accountable to them and the weekly teachings keep me in check. Sunday service is not enough to keep us strong in this christian journey. We have to make time to spend alone in prayer and meditation of the word, we need to find a few people who we can fellowship with during the week and most of all we need God to keep us in Himself. I am calling it a Plug in. We will die off if we try to walk alone! It is mandatory that we plug in! You can even start the fellowship or bible study yourself. Just an hour or two at least once a week with a few God chasers like you will go a long way!

I realize now that the times I have gone ‘coldest’ in my walk is when I have been too busy to pray and too busy to meet up for fellowship!!!!!

Hebrews 10:24-25
24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds,
25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one anotherβ€”and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

header4

Let’s plug in and keep walking!!

Love,
Ndanu.

Trapped!!!

I am an extreme combination of a thinker and a feeler. In simple terms I think and feel a lot about situations or people around me. There are amazing benefits of this but also serious downsides. That however, is a story for another day.

I was thinking about different things a certain morning this week when I remembered a girl I once knew in high school. I have never seen her since we cleared 4th form but my heart went out to her. I hope she is well and she gets to read this someday. “Girl, God reminded me to pray for you this week. My heart aches as I write this but I hope you have been receiving healing in the past 7 years. God loves you! He always has! He asked me to tell your story. It will bring healing to many people! I will keep it anonymous so don’t worry πŸ™‚

how-to-cold-call1

I was at the front line in my high school CU committee in 2005 and 2006. Therefore many people came to me for prayer and encouragement. This specific girl slept in one of the rooms on the ground floor like me and she started to talk to me through a note. Notes were a common means of communication in high school πŸ™‚ I remember on her very 1st note she said that I seemed very close to God so she thought I might help pass a message to him. Let me stop here and say that whatever bondage you may be in, opening up to someone is one of the most fundamental steps towards healing. Hiding in our messes is the best way to stay bound. It takes a lot of courage to open up but it is totally important!! I know there are many untrustworthy people around us but if you look carefully, there will always be at least one God-loving person you can talk to. Talk to someone people! Talk! πŸ™‚

She was deep in masturbation. She was so deep inside that she wanted to kill herself. She had tried to end her life severally! 😦 I remember feeling overwhelmed by the information. She would get the urge anywhere, even in a matatu! She felt trapped. She wanted to stop really bad but she could not. After a while we were now talking face to face and I asked her where all this started. She had been raped by a relative when she was a young girl and she had walked in on her parents having sex some years back. These two events messed her up totally and were the root of her bondage. She talked with so much despair in her eyes. I still remember her face. I prayed with her and we talked severally but I wish I knew then what I know now. I would have been of much more help!! 😦 😦 I yearn to know how everything turned out! I hope God will grant me to meet her one day!

Life has brought me several people with the same struggle and an important man of God taught me the following about breaking free from this…

1) You are not alone!
If you are struggling with sexual purity on any level please know that you are not alone. This is something that all human beings struggle with. We have to constantly monitor what we let in to our heads. It is even worse in this age where sex has been commercialized and there is sexual innuendo every corner you turn. It is the one struggle that never really ends. You cannot say that lust will not be something to worry about when you get married. If it is not tamed, it is a threat everyday of anyone’s life. The difference is that some people have managed to conquer it better than others. It is possible to conquer though!! It is possible with the strength that Jesus gives! In summary, there are very many of us working everyday to take control of our sexual drives and desires. To keep ourselves in check! Even David, the man after God’s own heart struggled!! You are not abnormal!

2) There is a root and cause!!
There is something that happened in the past that has caused the predicament you are in now. This could me molestation of sorts, exposure to indecent sexual pictures or something like that. Such events open doors that make one vulnerable to sexual sins of many kinds. Another way to look at it is that the act usually happens when you are in a particular state of mind. It would be advisable to write down for the next several times, what you are feeling or thinking when the urge to indulge comes. You will most likely recognize a trend. You might be under stress, angry or even feeling lonely when it happens. Your body has trained itself to react in a certain way to certain situations. It is possible to unlearn. It is possible to teach your body a different way to react. Adopt a healthy way to respond to stress, anger or pressure.

3) Your sexuality is part of you
David many times in Psalms talks to his heart or his soul.
e.g (Psalm 43:5 Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God)

In the same way, it is good to have conversations with your sexual self, I don’t know what to call it. It is somewhere inside you. We can call it your sexuality. It is intangible but very alive and well! After my Pastor preached on this, I started talking to that part of me. I may not be in bondage but I get those moments that are normal to all of us. I talk to myself when the thoughts and feelings come. I call her Lady S or something like that πŸ˜€ and tell her something like, “Why do you want to destroy me?” “You must behave yourself!” “Relax Mama!” “Hold your horses!!! All in good time my friend, all in good time!!” LOL! I know it sounds crazy but it really does help! Your sexual self actually listens. I even read scriptures to her when things are really thick!! πŸ˜€ Try it sincerely next time temptation is chasing you and be amazed!

4) Your mind is the main sexual organ
You have heard this many times but it is true! The main part of you that is most affected in sexual sin is your mind. The images of pornography or the memory of any other sinful sexual encounters are saved in the brain. The amount of details that the human brain can remember can shock you! That is why it is so difficult to stop sexual sins. They are embedded in the mind. The only solution for this is ‘the renewal of our minds’ … Romans 12. This is a brain ‘transplant’ of sorts! God is able to do this for us and we must also consciously fill our minds with wholesome things. There is no way round it! Throw away those movies! Block those sites! Drop those friends! The thoughts will not go away immediately but at least you will stop feeding them. The longer they are starved, the weaker the hold they will have on you. Replace that space with the word of God, with wholesome music, with clean books, clean clean clean!! It may even take years but it can be done! Start today!

5) Believe
It will be a difficult journey but I have seen many people healed completely from sexual addictions. Believe that healing is possible and you will begin to get healing. Believe! Believe! Do not let guilt and shame kill you! God’s love for you has never wavered! It is a constant that you can hold on to!!! Get someone to walk with you, be ready to face this big challenge and do not give up!!

Someone needed this post and I am praying for you!!!

Matt 11:28
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Love,

Ndanu

Bridesmaids 101

I have dressed myself for very many years. I remember having heated arguments with my mum, when I was young,  about clothes. She would buy something for me and I would refuse to wear it!! There are things I would never be caught dead in!! LOL! I am quite choosy and this has gotten me into quite a lot of trouble in my life! πŸ˜€

image

I never thought I would ever write about this but it has become quite a common problem for me that it’s hard to ignore…

I am going to stop being a bridesmaid in weddings because my being choosy has cost me friendships. I will oppose an idea to wear certain things or to wear them in a  certain way and most brides will not be open to such changes. Mind you, these are usually very close friends but weddings can bring out craziness in all of us…. 

There are so many dresses I have spent a lot of money on but they end up in the ‘give to charity’ pile immediately after the wedding 😦 My sister tells me that it is a worthy sacrifice for the bride. She tells me that I should agree to anything the bride says because it is their wedding and weddings only happen once in a life time!! I guess this is a very wise way to look at the situation but it is still very hard for me. It is easier for me to sacrifice in any other way other than what goes on my body!  LOL! !

I feel like on the flip side, the brides should also consider the investment that their maids are putting into the dresses and ensure they agree on something they like and thus they would wear again… A compromise of sorts…

I would hate to be that bride everyone is afraid of! 😦 I have been in so many line ups where the maids disagree with the bride about something but they would rather suffer in silence than tell the bride about their concerns. Women!! We are a complicated lot!! Beautiful all the same though, simply beautiful!! πŸ™‚

I may be thinking like this simply because I have never been a bride. It could be a matter of ignorance and so I will not be conclusive on the matter. I am seriously considering though,  not having any bridesmaids in my wedding when that time comes. I dream of only having a best maid and everyone else dressing up in their outfit of choice and turning up at the wedding to CELEBRATE the Lord’s doing!!!! πŸ™‚

Let’s talk about this when that day comes πŸ™‚

Long live bridesmaids!!! I admire your sacrifice and dedication!!
It is well!!

Love,
Ndanu