Running away from what? Running towards what? I have no idea sometimes!I just feel like I am running faster than usual and I get very tired. I so badly want to stop and sometimes I am able to stop. Other times though, I desperately want to stop but I just cannot! Such a frustrating feeling. 3 cakes to bake, a friend to meet, dinner to cook, a book to read, a call to return, my friends’ -now not so new babies- that I need to see before they grow too old, loads and loads to do at work, a scarf to knit, house chores, band practice, errands…. Even smiling and catching up with my family at the end of each day becomes a task! A tedious task at that.
Life seems to ask more of you than you can give. Morning comes too fast while daytime seems to last a century. You feel like a dwarf surrounded by giant bullies pulling, pushing, poking all at once!
This life can get really crazy at times! We lose perspective and slowly the light brought by purpose starts to grow dim. Life becomes a dark hole that we have to survive in. We can’t seem to remember what we were so excited about a few weeks ago. We seem to ask God, ‘Ati why am I here again?’
I was at that place at the beginning of this week. Tired, very very tired. I felt like anything I gave was never good enough. I wanted to go away for a few weeks. Somewhere very far away where no one knew me nor expected anything from me. Where I could enjoy silence and time alone with my thoughts, time alone with God. Where I could learn to hear Him again, where I could re-member the reason I am alive, where I could slow down because this rush is too brutal! It can KILL!
I cannot go on holiday right now so I have resolved to slow down. I am reducing and plucking and destroying the noises around me. Unnecessary friendships are going down, I am promising only what I can handle, I am getting home early, I am knitting again because it helps me relax, I am worrying less about things beyond my control, I am praying for strength many times everyday!
Sunday was the peak of my tiredness. I woke up with this hollowness in my heart. I was so numb and my heart was just floating around. Usually I would sleep in when i woke up like this but I decided to go to church. For once I felt like I really needed church as I walked into the church compound. I was not just another routine member! I was in desperate need of encouragement and God came down. The worship leader led this song and the time-liness of it was amazing! The tears flowed so much, i was like a deep well! The floor on which i stood was WET, i had no words to tell my King but I guess He understands the tears language.
The song says that God is my Mnyunyizi. I realize there is no direct English word explaining this but the closest is that He waters me. He does not let me dry up. He revives me, keeps me alive! Is that timely or what?!!! 🙂 He has been my mnyunyizi and I am doing so much better!
This season shall pass! Many of you are feeling it too! I know because I sense and soak in moods and feelings around me more than most people. It is a ‘tired’ time! Take a break and may God renew us all like eagles!!!! 🙂 \o/
29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.