Blurred Lines

This morning a workmate asked my opinion on the mavuno flier and it hit me that I had not given it serious thought. I have had time to think and as usual my thoughts took me further than I wanted to go. I like these deep waters though 🙂 They are dangerous but they take us closer to the core of the problem. The heart of the matter!

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Sex and Sexuality ***sigh***

The church has ignored this topic for a long time. Ignoring it has however done little to make it go away. It is not going anywhere so we have to face it. The truth is that the struggle is REAL! I have many friends struggling with masturbation right now. They are faithful church members and they serve in ministries but the struggle is still REAL! People in relationships are naked together countless times. The lines are really blurry if they are even existing anymore. For many christian youth, the trend is to do everything else apart from penetration. We boldly talk about purity and waiting but when the real situation faces us, most of us fall flat on our faces. It is a sad situation. I think we should even be panicking. I was panicking last week when I had this conversation with a friend of mine. I was panicking because the number of people willing or even able to show us direction on purity is extremely small.

The lines are this blurry mainly because we are not sure anymore what purity means. What exactly is it? What exactly does God say about it? And what does what He says mean? What exactly is sex? Is it just penetration meaning we are safe if we are undressing each other and he does not get inside of me? Does the mind and the heart have anything to do with sex? I may not answer all these questions but I will go all insane again and share my life.

I have never had sex per say but making out got a bit crazy. It’s been more than 2 years now but I still remember that each time I was left hollow inside. I could no longer campaign about purity like i used to. I went all silent on the topic. I started to view sex not as a beautiful gift from God but as a struggle. A burden God gave us to struggle with during our lives on earth. I would see how my friends struggled with stopping it after they started. I would see my friends tired from fighting with masturbation and porn. I saw the struggles on pregnancy out of marriage… Sex was just a struggle, a big one.

In my singleness, one thing I needed healing on was my sexuality. I had long sessions with God about it. I took time to forgive myself and to accept His forgiveness. Truth is that sometimes I am afraid of the time when I will be in a relationship. It might be easier now to keep pure but when the man comes then it could be HARD. My friend and I have been praying and talking about this a lot and the conclusion is this;

1) If we want to honor God with this part of our lives then it is going to take a lot of Grace and personal resolve from the TWO of you. It will take both the man and the girl to agree to walk the crazy purity journey. The few people i know who were able to do it had to do insane things like:

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It seems like only radical actions like these will keep us afloat.

2) There are crazy soul ties even without penetration!

3) Sex is beautiful when it is in the place it was created for. Otherwise it becomes a nuclear bomb that can destroy us and leave us wounded for years! …In its correct form and time, it should not leave me hollow or alienate me from God.

4) It is by Grace. We cannot do it by ourselves but God gives us the strength, question is do we even want the strength? It is useless to be handed something we do not want in the 1st place.

5) Sex starts in the mind. When we are flirting and chatting about it on our phones, watching ‘sexy’ movies, thinking it constantly in our heads… Then when we are finally together we have already lost the battle. We do physically what was nesting inside us.

6) Purity is not just for ourselves but for people around us and generations after us. What do I want to tell my kids about the subject? What encouragement will I have for my friends when they come to me struggling with it? I want to have a positive testimony. I want to tell my baby girl that it is possible because I did it. I want the God did it for me, he can do it for you kind of talk. Sounds cliche but it is quite powerful. That Yahweh was not only a God of Joseph of old (who literally ran from sexual sin) but also a God of Ndanu who you know right now.

7) God heals and restores all our messes if we bring them to Him! He does!

Right now I have an encourager. This amazing young man has made me believe that it is possible. We encourage each other constantly and I dare to keep my resolve. There is always the danger that very few men will be willing to walk this radical journey with me but if that’s the case, then i guess, so be it. Insane! /O\

To all insane people out there, God help us!

Mavuno, (poster aside) I am curious about what you will teach the teens about sex! However, it is about time!! May God lead you to all truth as you share!! I am praying for you!

🙂 🙂

Love,
Ndanu

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Maxi dress and Shirt with ankara patchwork

Hello guys 🙂

I fell in love with this fabric and I had a dress made from it with a matching shirt for my brother.

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Notice the elbow patchwork on his shirt. I think that is super cool!!! 🙂

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Full photo of my dress…

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A front view of the shirt… notice the ankara buttons, sleeves and inner collar… 🙂Image

Fabric- Bought it at Nairobi textiles for 2000/- That is a bit pricey but the fabric was too beautiful!!! 🙂 🙂

Fundi’ name – Sam. I have mentioned him before… I went back!! 🙂

Fundi contact – 0720 210 815

Fundi location – Next to Uchumi Buruburu

Fundi Cost – 1800/- for the dress and 1000/- for the shirt

Overall rating: He is very good, creative and he beat the timelines. He had to do minor adjustments to my dress but we were happy with the results.

 

Exhaustion!!!!

Running away from what? Running towards what? I have no idea sometimes!I just feel like I am running faster than usual and I get very tired. I so badly want to stop and sometimes I am able to stop. Other times though, I desperately want to stop but I just cannot! Such a frustrating feeling. 3 cakes to bake, a friend to meet, dinner to cook, a book to read, a call to return, my friends’ -now not so new babies- that I need to see before they grow too old, loads and loads to do at work, a scarf to knit, house chores, band practice, errands…. Even smiling and catching up with my family at the end of each day becomes a task! A tedious task at that.

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Life seems to ask more of you than you can give. Morning comes too fast while daytime seems to last a century. You feel like a dwarf surrounded by giant bullies pulling, pushing, poking all at once!

This life can get really crazy at times! We lose perspective and slowly the light brought by purpose starts to grow dim. Life becomes a dark hole that we have to survive in. We can’t seem to remember what we were so excited about a few weeks ago. We seem to ask God, ‘Ati why am I here again?’

I was at that place at the beginning of this week. Tired, very very tired. I felt like anything I gave was never good enough. I wanted to go away for a few weeks. Somewhere very far away where no one knew me nor expected anything from me. Where I could enjoy silence and time alone with my thoughts, time alone with God. Where I could learn to hear Him again, where I could re-member the reason I am alive, where I could slow down because this rush is too brutal! It can KILL!

I cannot go on holiday right now so I have resolved to slow down. I am reducing and plucking and destroying the noises around me. Unnecessary friendships are going down, I am promising only what I can handle, I am getting home early, I am knitting again because it helps me relax, I am worrying less about things beyond my control, I am praying for strength many times everyday!

Sunday was the peak of my tiredness. I woke up with this hollowness in my heart. I was so numb and my heart was just floating around. Usually I would sleep in when i woke up like this but I decided to go to church. For once I felt like I really needed church as I walked into the church compound. I was not just another routine member! I was in desperate need of encouragement and God came down. The worship leader led this song and the time-liness of it was amazing! The tears flowed so much, i was like a deep well! The floor on which i stood was WET, i had no words to tell my King but I guess He understands the tears language.

The song says that God is my Mnyunyizi. I realize there is no direct English word explaining this but the closest is that He waters me. He does not let me dry up. He revives me, keeps me alive! Is that timely or what?!!! 🙂 He has been my mnyunyizi and I am doing so much better!

This season shall pass! Many of you are feeling it too! I know because I sense and soak in moods and feelings around me more than most people. It is a ‘tired’ time! Take a break and may God renew us all like eagles!!!! 🙂  \o/

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Isaiah 40:29-31

29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Love,

Ndanu

:-*

 

 

 

Her Man

Your softness as well as your hardcore braveness

Allowing the tears to flow when she has totally gone out of her way for you on a random day

Inability to let go of her hand when it’s time for you to part after a beautiful day, simply because you realize for the umpth time that you are so in love with her

Kneeling down with her in prayer, bearing your heart to God in her presence since she feels like part of you already

Standing next to her in a service and lifting your hands in total surrender to God during worship, totally lost in HIS love because He is the one who brought you together in the first place 🙂

Staring at her in amazement sometimes and not caring if you look absurd because she is truly amazing

Narrating the details of your tough day to her because you are beyond pretenses and masks, you can be vulnerable with her because she loves you! All of you!

Leaving your Superman-ness at the door of your relationship. Stretching your wings full throttle as a WHOLE man in her company. The world expects you to be strong and tough all the time but she simply loves you. Occasional tears, weakness, vulnerability is as attractive to her as boldness and strength. Be yourself with her! Love her in this way, she will feel honored!

 

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Soul Detox!!

I am on detox mode this week. I usually do this before a big event so I can enhance the glow. 😀 I have a family event this coming Saturday and me thinks that wearing good clothes with a pale looking face is just messed up. A little vanity right there but hey!! Let’s glow! 🙂 🙂 The last time I did a serious detox was before my brother’s wedding last year. I still look at the photos now and marvel at the glow. 😀 It’s a simple process: I double my water intake, take yoghurt, eat more fruits, vegetables and fiber, fast for a day, do a simple facial at home the night before the event and voila! \o/

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I was talking to a friend of mine this morning telling him about the detox, when it hit me that not only do I need a physical detox but one for my soul too. The soul works in the same way as the body. In this life we take in a lot of stuff into our souls, both good and bad stuff. The bad stuff can accumulate over a period of time leaving us feeling tired and distracted. Toxins are harmful! They cause a slow death. Soul toxins come in many forms. It could be the pain of losing a loved one, the disillusionment of a break-up, the stab of hurtful words spoken to you, the disappointment from your failures, the shame and guilt of your sin, the defeated-ness that comes with struggling with a sin for many years, the crutches handed to us by fear, the imbalance of doubt due to prayers left answered, the hollowness of loneliness, the drunkenness from our self righteous pride, wounds from rejection…. toxins, toxins toxins. They stain the soul! They may be invisible to the outside world but they are real to us. They are like a shadow…behind us but we cannot out run them! Toxins! Wounds! Shadows!

It’s time for a soul detox, not because of an upcoming big event but for the sake of life! It is crucial for all of us to make it a habit to STOP and DROP! It’s important to just take time out alone sometimes to think about our lives and re-group. To drop the unnecessary burdens we keep carrying around and open ourselves up for freshness!! Joy! LIFE! Forgive those who have wronged us, choose to start the healing process, leave that destructive habit, end those bad relationships, start to pray more, tame our tongues, stop gossiping or listening to it, throw away those detestable movies, stop being jealous of other people, start to love ourselves and forgive ourselves, start to trust God again.

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I am not ignorant of the fact that this soul detox journey is not an easy one. It is a journey to freedom and such a journey has never been easy! Nothing good comes easy! It is totally worth the sweat and God gives us the strength. We are never alone.

Gal 5:1

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

(Break free from the slavery of grudges, sin, guilt, hatred, pride, un-forgiveness, doubt, fear, unhealthy friendships …and whatever else) They are totally unnecessary. Just start to walk away from them and hang in there. It shall be well!!\o/ Give your life to God! Surrender your struggles to Him!

Praying for all of us as we detox our souls!!

Love,

Ndanu