She woke up with a start. It was still dark outside and she was sweating unimaginably. Her heart would not stop racing and she began to remember her dream. She had the same dream many times in the last year. She would see herself falling off a cliff, screaming and hysterical but she never hit the ground. She also never got to see why she had gone so high up a cliff in the first place because the dream always began with the fall. Dreaming something once is ok but dreaming the same thing over and over again can get disturbing. This specific morning she was extremely disturbed. She began to cry and sat up squeezing her bible so close to herself that she could feel its black rough cover etching into her skin. It was as if the God of the bible would move through the bible pages straight into her heart to calm her down.
Her name is Tina. She thought herself to be a normal Kenyan girl. A 24 years old PR executive who hated big spaces and loved all things art. Her small one bed roomed apartment had red curtains, the small woolen carpet at the center of the room was purple and she loved to wiggle her feet in it while she read in the evenings, her 2 sofas were brown with numerous yellow and orange cushions and the table was a rich hardwood brown. She loved her space. Her house was her heaven. She hated her PR job and only woke up in the morning to go to work because she had to pay the bills and keep her own space. Otherwise she would have to move back in with her parents which was NOT an option for her. She had felt more loneliness in her parent’s house than she did now that she was living alone. Her books, her music, her bed and her colorful house were her friends. She lived for home time and hated it when any of her friends decided to drop by her house after work. She was enjoying her space and her time so much that she had began to feel guilty. ‘Is it normal to enjoy your own company this much?’, she would ask herself sometimes.
She sat in her bed with her bible for a long time. She wanted to go back to sleep but could not bear having that dream again. She racked her brain for the meaning of the dream but the one hundred possible meanings her creative head came up with made her head spin. She reached for her phone to check the time and found that it was 2.33am. She wanted to scream! A nice long one for all the hours of sleep she had lost over this dream. She laid her head on her pillow again and slowly fell asleep. Next time she woke up, it was 9am in the morning. She was so late for work!! A quick shower and an empty stomach later, she was out of the house.
It was hard for her to concentrate at work and she was late on all the reports she was meant to hand in that day. He boss sent her home at 3pm with an order to get some rest and return the next morning ready to WORK or else she would lose her job. She felt a frustration that could easily trigger her ulcers and so she decided to pray about the recurrent dream. She got home and sat on the floor right next to the door. She had not prayed for very many months now but when she began, the words flowed out of her with ease. ‘What is this dream about Lord? I am sure it’s not just a dream because if it was, I would not be this troubled. I need you to show me a sign or send me help before I go crazy. I know I have pushed you away for several months now. It’s because I feel alone. I don’t speak to my parents anymore, my friends are tired of trying to reach out to me because I am always running away from them, I hate my work but I have to go every single day to feed myself and about You Lord, I can’t feel You anymore. I am literally alone. I enjoy living alone but I want to find a way to let You and all my friends in again. I don’t remember the last time I laughed. I can’t remember the last time I took a walk in the evening. I can’t remember the last time I sang. I can’t stand the sound of my own voice. Even the few times I go to church, I don’t sing the hymn or choruses with everyone else. I just listen and watch other people singing. I have become passive. It’s like I am watching my life happen. It’s like watching a movie, a somber movie at that. My house and the colors here-in are the only things that move me. Nothing else moves me. Nothing.’
It hit her there and then. The description of her life in the prayer was an exact representation of her dream. She was falling off the cliff of life. Every day she fell deeper and deeper and soon she would hit the ground. She always imagined that hell was somewhere beneath the ground we walk on. ‘Could that be where I will finally fall into if I keep having this dream?’, she wondered.
Her prayer ended there as she fumbled for her phone. She needed to call Wanja, her best friend since high school. She hoped Wanja would pick up….
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.